Void

Void

the hardest feeling to explain to people is the clear and impending absence of what used to be.

                                    i’m surrounded by beauty. sprawling mountain ranges. clear blue seas.                                       greens and jades and emeralds rolling in the grace of the pacific winds.                                       all of this surrounds me. and it is such a brilliantly inspiring ambiance.                                           and i’m overwhelmed.

            but not by the beauty.                                                           by the void.

these colors painted on the surfaces of this island are unparalleled. unmatched by any other place on this planet. so much so that the air is colorful in its transparency.

this is why people live here. this is what makes them happy.

but i can only speak for myself.

                        and for the void.

                                                            the overwhelming void.

i guess i can only explain it as my fall from grace. my experience is relative to what i can compare it to in my past. and when i first came to this island in january 2012, i was the happiest i have ever been in my life. i truly feel that it was the highest i’ve been in my 25 years. my mind was clear. my body was thriving with energy and enthusiasm. my heart was full. i felt complete. i felt like i belonged. i had love. the strongest and most radiant love i’ve ever known. and that feeling – to know that you are loved and you will be safe and you will always have a home with a human being that sees you for who you truly are – that feeling was the true cause of my peak of happiness. i reached that place because my hands weren’t empty. and i believed that they never would be again. the prodigious solace. the extraordinary comfort. everything worth living for.

maybe that is why it had to end. for something to feel so boundless and to naively trust that it would last into eternity. it’s as if there was a vacuum and inside it there was just her and i. and the pressure from the world, the reality of it all, started to condense us. and eventually, there was too much inside this vacuum. too many thoughts and emotions and dreams floating around carelessly with less and less space to move until eventually

                                                                                    we imploded

            a violent

                                                            bitter

                                                                                                                        tragic

                       

                                    unstoppable

                                                                                    incredible

ball of dust

lingered

in the air

for four months

until i disappeared and let those beautiful, unimaginable, incomparable hawaiian winds

                        sweep away the debris.

all that remains

is the void.

a black hole whose gravity i cannot escape.

as desperate and lethargic as it has become for me.

i will never escape its pull.

and so the beauty of it all

                        of the trees and the mountains and the ocean

                                    is a reminder of that void

                                                and therefore as much of a curse

                                                            as it is a blessing.

 please don’t think i am ungrateful or complacent. i chose this life. i accept the results of my decisions, whether or not they are my fault or if there is even any blame to place. but as i’ve said before there are certain things i cannot, and maybe will not be able to escape.

                       

                                    as long as there is a void i will never rest to fill it