Faith

Faith

i sat and i listened when i was young. i was baptized and i was saved. saved from what? saved from who? i just don’t understand. when i break it down and dissect it all, i just become envious.

                                    maybe it’s because i’ve lost my faith.

which is not to say i don’t believe in… well fuck… i believe in something. i believe that at one point we were all part of the same hunk of shit. we were all clumped together in this giant ball of matter and eventually it exploded, or imploded, and the shit that made us up expanded and grew and evolved and here we are.

                         a bunch of faithful fucking humans.

i was raised in a religious household. my mom and dad, over the years, became more and more convinced that the church and the bible was full of truth. i don’t think they are wrong. i also don’t think they are right. i think they are investing their time in what makes them happy. and to me, as long as my parents are happy, and my sisters, and - well pretty much anyone who goes to church and believes in that shit – i think that is all that matters. i don’t buy into it. and that is my choice. i’ve always thought the church is a big fucking scam. and i’m sorry if that hurts anyone’s feelings.

but if there is a God then i truly believe he would be alright with me. maybe that is some kind of twisted self-righteous justification. but nonetheless, i really do believe there is more to our existence than living and dying. i think that we are tied together by some forces of nature that supersede human understanding.

there is this theory called the big crunch. much like the big bang, it is based on the idea that everything started off in this little atomic vortex and exploded out into oblivion. but the big crunch is what happens at the end of the big bang. the universe is expanding and growing and eventually it will stop. this theory suggests that once it stops growing, it will start moving in reverse. back to where it started. they tell you to imagine a heartbeat on a universal scale.

            bmp-bmp.

                        bmp-bmp.

                                    bmp-bmp.

now imagine each of these beats is our universe. the first compression is the big bang. and the space between this and the next compression is our existence. and the second compression is the big crunch. these scientists, or astronomers or whatever, can prove this. it's called red shift. this is how we know that the universe is expanding. and the way i understand it: (which isn't necessarily accurate because i'm a fucking writer and at the moment, i've had a few drinks) it's a "what goes up must come down" sort of situation. 

the point is that everything is relative.

                        that we can only see things on a relative scale and our perspective is limited.

and to have faith

                                                when everything is so obscure

                                                                                                            and abstract

                                                                                                well…

i

become

so

fucking

envious.

think about how many heartbeats you’ve produced in the time you’ve read these words. think of how many universes have existed and ceased to exist on a scale that we can’t even quantify from our perspective. think about the life and the death of a billion universes. a trillion galaxies. an infinite number of lives.

                                                                        gone in a matter of minutes.

                        yet faith alone carries us forward.

there are people in this world that read the bible and feel restored. they hear words from a preacher and feel rejuvenated.

                                    how?

                                                            why?

i think this is a matter that will never settle in my mind. mostly due to the fact that the God i believe in isn’t watching over me. the God i believe in is me. it is in my brain and in my blood and in my heart. and the interconnectivity of the human race with the rest of the universe, that is the soul.

it’s actually pretty scientific if you break it down. there are only a few chemicals and forces that have existed since the dawn of time. since the beginning. and those very physical aspects of our lives hold us together. like glue.

we

            are

                        all

                                    made

                                                from

                                                            the

                                                                        same

                                                                                    shit.

                                                                        yet

                                                            we

                                                all

                                    try

                        to

            deny

it.

we all want to be a unique piece of the puzzle

                                                but the puzzle is so much greater than us

                                    and we are all just one giant piece.

so in the midst of this, in trying to understand it all, there are the masses that have faith in something more. there are the hundreds of thousands that KNOW there is more to life than what is in front of us. and these people, whether you are one of them or not, carry us all forward. because by some miracle… by some chemical inaccuracy… these people have gone beyond reason and logic and science… and they have connected on a level that many of us will never achieve.

                                                and as i’ve said before.

                                                                                    i am envious.

i wish i could find the same faith in myself that i’ve seen other people find in God